Here's a quick item that I heard a complaint about a long time ago.
This is specifically for male NYC dwellers but might apply elsewhere. If the girl drives to meet you in the city because it is too expensive for you to maintain a car there - pay for her tolls, gas and parking. This should not be optional. It shouldn't be a half-hearted offer and a polite refusal. Even if you are both way above caring about anything less than a 'Ben Franklin', take responsibility. And do it when you first meet and after your pleasantries - not at the end of the date as an after-thought. It will set a nice tone for the date and show that you care. Prepare an envelope in advance, write 'commuting expenses' on it and a 'happy face' and say "thank you for your extra effort". Even if you previously agreed to split the dinner check, this is different. I suppose you could offer to split this too. That would be a start.
I wonder how often this happens. I am very curious if anyone has feedback on this.
Tuesday, December 25, 2018
Sunday, December 9, 2018
Dating Expectations 101
Now that we are talking about being considerate (what a statement that is in the first place!), there are a couple other items on my list for the boys to learn. We already touched on one topic - other people’s schedules.
Guys! If a girl is in full time school and working and helping out at home and still makes time to go out with you during the week, make sure that you don't keep her out too late. You might catch a late minyan and be tired for seder but she likely needs to talk to people during the day. And what if you happen to go out on a day that was particular hard on her. She might end up yawning or not being as entertaining as you would like. Maybe you should check with the shadchan first before calling it quits. Maybe you weren't interesting enough. Note, that this could be flipped around the other way. Maybe the guy had a hard day. Moral of the story, don't be too quick to judge.
And for both sides, it goes without saying (then why am I saying it??) that just like the first phone call, dating is important and anything important should get your attention and you should prepare for it. Many people think this is about dressing. And that might be important to many datees - men and women. As the saying goes "you never get a second chance to make a first impression". So there is the first look impression but there is also the total first date impression where the conversation is at least as important.
For those extroverts, this is generally not a problem and you might have to consider toning it down sometimes. For those in the middle, you should prepare for those quiet periods that sometimes occur and could be scary to some. For those who are more introverted, preparation is obviously more important. Nobody is going to turn into Mr/s. Personality overnight, but anyone could improve their dating with preparation. There is a tech term - GIGO - Garbage In / Garbage Out. If you don't take dating seriously, you might not get anything good out of it.
If you are not one of the lucky ones to find your match quickly, dating can get very cumbersome. You have to learn your own abilities to handle it and to become more natural at it. But you should not take it too casually.
And you should realize that it is not just that YOU should put in prep time. The other party deserves that you put effort in. In a relationship, it is more important that you think about the other person than yourself. It is natural that you think about yourself and become selfish. But this tendency must be overcome in real life. And if you haven't started doing it yet, you had better start.
Guys! If a girl is in full time school and working and helping out at home and still makes time to go out with you during the week, make sure that you don't keep her out too late. You might catch a late minyan and be tired for seder but she likely needs to talk to people during the day. And what if you happen to go out on a day that was particular hard on her. She might end up yawning or not being as entertaining as you would like. Maybe you should check with the shadchan first before calling it quits. Maybe you weren't interesting enough. Note, that this could be flipped around the other way. Maybe the guy had a hard day. Moral of the story, don't be too quick to judge.
And for both sides, it goes without saying (then why am I saying it??) that just like the first phone call, dating is important and anything important should get your attention and you should prepare for it. Many people think this is about dressing. And that might be important to many datees - men and women. As the saying goes "you never get a second chance to make a first impression". So there is the first look impression but there is also the total first date impression where the conversation is at least as important.
For those extroverts, this is generally not a problem and you might have to consider toning it down sometimes. For those in the middle, you should prepare for those quiet periods that sometimes occur and could be scary to some. For those who are more introverted, preparation is obviously more important. Nobody is going to turn into Mr/s. Personality overnight, but anyone could improve their dating with preparation. There is a tech term - GIGO - Garbage In / Garbage Out. If you don't take dating seriously, you might not get anything good out of it.
If you are not one of the lucky ones to find your match quickly, dating can get very cumbersome. You have to learn your own abilities to handle it and to become more natural at it. But you should not take it too casually.
And you should realize that it is not just that YOU should put in prep time. The other party deserves that you put effort in. In a relationship, it is more important that you think about the other person than yourself. It is natural that you think about yourself and become selfish. But this tendency must be overcome in real life. And if you haven't started doing it yet, you had better start.
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