A Picture Is Worth 1000 Words - But Are They The Right Words?
Here's a short post on what sometimes is a very contentious topic. I don't mean there is a lot of controversy about it directly, but that there are strong viewpoints on each side.
Should resumes include a picture of the person?
It seems fair that it should work for both men and women but with the imbalance of the men-women ratio in most communities, it seems that the men are driving this issue too.
But since I try to be pretty even handed about things, let's try it this way. How many girls ask to see a picture of the guy? That's the same number of guys that should be asking for pictures of the girls.
No, I'm not being naive. There might be a difference between guys and girls but beauty is in the eye of the beholder - it's not in a picture.
I debated this myself for a long time until I had the following Parsha thought. Recall when Avraham told Sara before entering Mitzraim - "NOW I see that you are a beautiful woman" and Rashi explains that he saw her reflection in the water. How did that change how he saw her? Avraham saw a 'picture'. A picture doesn't present the person's character that one appreciates when meeting them. And this effects a person's judgement about their beauty. (BTW - if anyone has a source for this thought, please let me know.)
Let the guy ask anyone he trusts about the prospective girls looks - but a picture is just too superficial. If that's the only way he wants to judge the girl, then fix him up with a superficial girl. So next time a guy asks to see a picture of the girl, ask him if he wants to be Avraham Avinu or a Mitzri. If he pauses, then you know what you are dealing with. At a minimum, at least make the guy provide a picture of himself too. (see end of previous post).
The next logical question might be - how about a video? Personally, I think that it would be better than a picture. It would be a more complete impression of the person. This is probably much more impractical though. At least I hope it is and stays that way. Though I wouldn't be surprised if some enterprising shadchan took this idea and opened up a video based shadchan service to differentiate themselves. In this day and age of outspending the other, imagine all the extra charges you could layer on for creating the video - effects, lighting, etc. Hmmm...
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
The Resume
This is one of those things that can be very annoying and time consuming to create. Many girls (and mothers) probably work very hard on it. Many are insulted at the thought of even having to write one. Seems that the boys often don't have to. Simple supply and demand economics, I guess.
So let me save you time. This is not a personal statement that you are writing to get you into Harvard. Although, that might not be a bad idea at all. Hopefully, you are using a shadchan that does more than throw resumes of possible dates who are roughly in the ballpark you are interested in. I have often heard of guys who have many resumes they are sorting through. What are they looking for? Are they actually going to pick a girl based on a few words on the resume? Maybe, yes! Almost scary. I would hope they do some personal checking somehow.
Let's face it - nobody is going to put any negatives on a resume, even if they are easily discovered. A resume will be the best possible description of the person in question. How truthful are they? Good question! And it is a question that should be asked. Often, it is more important to ask about what is NOT on the resume. Hopefully, what is on the resume is not a total fabrication. If you are going to lie on the resume because that's what people want to see, then you are not helping anyone and could be wasting a lot of people's time.
So what I would suggest is pretty much what you find. The basic facts - name, address, schooling, family and references. A section of how they spend their extra time should be included. Maybe a sentence if there is anything unusual but that should always come across via the shadchan anyways. Yes, it might be indicative which words someone highlights. Some people seem to be careful about being too specific so as to be acceptable to the widest possible audience.
But what would be very helpful if there were standard items scored on a 1-10 scale. Suggested items: "introverted - extraverted", "easy going - go getter", "low-high maintenance", "balabus/ta" and "growing in Yiddishkeit". Maybe ones for wanting to be a stay at home mother vs working and there should be something for the guys about minyan attendance and hours per day/week learning. I would imagine that many shadchanim have these items generally targeted in their head or in their own computer database of people. And I would also imagine that many people ask these questions when checking someone out anyway. So why not just get this all out up front.
There is one other section that I would like to see on a resume - pet-peeves. I think it would be very useful to both parties to know if someone has a particular problem with people that come late to the date. Or if someone is a "neat-freak". This is not a critical item but we are trying to help things move along more easily. And if this could help someone avoid a bad date, that has a purpose too.
Lastly, a follow up to something I mentioned above. It seems that boys often do not need resumes. I was thinking that if they do shidduchim via resumes, then they should be made to provide one too. This would teach them an appreciation for what the girls have to go through. Might as well start the dating process with a lesson in sensitivity. It might come in handy in a marriage.
So let me save you time. This is not a personal statement that you are writing to get you into Harvard. Although, that might not be a bad idea at all. Hopefully, you are using a shadchan that does more than throw resumes of possible dates who are roughly in the ballpark you are interested in. I have often heard of guys who have many resumes they are sorting through. What are they looking for? Are they actually going to pick a girl based on a few words on the resume? Maybe, yes! Almost scary. I would hope they do some personal checking somehow.
Let's face it - nobody is going to put any negatives on a resume, even if they are easily discovered. A resume will be the best possible description of the person in question. How truthful are they? Good question! And it is a question that should be asked. Often, it is more important to ask about what is NOT on the resume. Hopefully, what is on the resume is not a total fabrication. If you are going to lie on the resume because that's what people want to see, then you are not helping anyone and could be wasting a lot of people's time.
So what I would suggest is pretty much what you find. The basic facts - name, address, schooling, family and references. A section of how they spend their extra time should be included. Maybe a sentence if there is anything unusual but that should always come across via the shadchan anyways. Yes, it might be indicative which words someone highlights. Some people seem to be careful about being too specific so as to be acceptable to the widest possible audience.
But what would be very helpful if there were standard items scored on a 1-10 scale. Suggested items: "introverted - extraverted", "easy going - go getter", "low-high maintenance", "balabus/ta" and "growing in Yiddishkeit". Maybe ones for wanting to be a stay at home mother vs working and there should be something for the guys about minyan attendance and hours per day/week learning. I would imagine that many shadchanim have these items generally targeted in their head or in their own computer database of people. And I would also imagine that many people ask these questions when checking someone out anyway. So why not just get this all out up front.
There is one other section that I would like to see on a resume - pet-peeves. I think it would be very useful to both parties to know if someone has a particular problem with people that come late to the date. Or if someone is a "neat-freak". This is not a critical item but we are trying to help things move along more easily. And if this could help someone avoid a bad date, that has a purpose too.
Lastly, a follow up to something I mentioned above. It seems that boys often do not need resumes. I was thinking that if they do shidduchim via resumes, then they should be made to provide one too. This would teach them an appreciation for what the girls have to go through. Might as well start the dating process with a lesson in sensitivity. It might come in handy in a marriage.
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
Saying Good Night
Now that the potential couple has gotten through their date, we come to the close. Seems pretty simple - drive the girl home, walk her to the door, say thank you and good night. Of course, it wouldn't be terrible if the guy added a few specific nice words indicating that he actually did appreciate the date and likewise for the girl. IMO, I think it is best not to say anything at the door for the first couple dates about going out again. Just too much unnecessary pressure as it could wait a day and go through the shadchan (more on that in a future post). There might be an exception to someone in from out of town and has time constraints. But that too could be worked out in advance with the shadchan.
But back up one step - 'walk her to the door'. Seems pretty innocent and chivalrous and appropriate. But nooooo! Somebody came up with the idea that it is not tzniusdik to do that. Why? Something about not walking behind the girl (ok, granted it is mentioned in the Talmud). Make any sense to you for this situation? They got to the car, didn't they? They just spent several hours together, walking, talking, etc and now this possible glance at her is going to ruin his neshama? If you believe that, then you should approve of him driving by her house and have her jump out of the moving car so he could speed off before she hits the ground. This way he is forced to keep his eyes on the road.
But even on a more practical level, if the guy doesn't walk the girl to the door, presumably, he is watching her walk to the door and into the house for safety reasons. If he doesn't do at least that, I have a whole new level of complaint.
Once again, maybe some mentchlechkeit should be the rule. If a rebbe thinks a boy can't handle walking a girl to the door, maybe he shouldn't be dating outside the girl's living room. And I don't really have a problem with that if the guy/girl agree and that's the type of life they are planning. In fact, I'm tending to believe that in not too long a time, that is exactly what yeshivish dating will become. A boy's rebbe will pick the girl, they will meet in the rebbe's home (because the rebbe's (some) want to take over the parents role anyway - except when it comes to paying for the talmid's years of learning - ok, yet another topic), and they will have a l'chaim the same night. Sort of along the lines that some chasidim do.
So if we are going to trust the guy to be a mentche during the date, it seems rather obvious to me that you make him walk the girl to the door to say good night - like a mentche.
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