Wednesday, January 2, 2019
Saying Good Night
Now that the potential couple has gotten through their date, we come to the close. Seems pretty simple - drive the girl home, walk her to the door, say thank you and good night. Of course, it wouldn't be terrible if the guy added a few specific nice words indicating that he actually did appreciate the date and likewise for the girl. IMO, I think it is best not to say anything at the door for the first couple dates about going out again. Just too much unnecessary pressure as it could wait a day and go through the shadchan (more on that in a future post). There might be an exception to someone in from out of town and has time constraints. But that too could be worked out in advance with the shadchan.
But back up one step - 'walk her to the door'. Seems pretty innocent and chivalrous and appropriate. But nooooo! Somebody came up with the idea that it is not tzniusdik to do that. Why? Something about not walking behind the girl (ok, granted it is mentioned in the Talmud). Make any sense to you for this situation? They got to the car, didn't they? They just spent several hours together, walking, talking, etc and now this possible glance at her is going to ruin his neshama? If you believe that, then you should approve of him driving by her house and have her jump out of the moving car so he could speed off before she hits the ground. This way he is forced to keep his eyes on the road.
But even on a more practical level, if the guy doesn't walk the girl to the door, presumably, he is watching her walk to the door and into the house for safety reasons. If he doesn't do at least that, I have a whole new level of complaint.
Once again, maybe some mentchlechkeit should be the rule. If a rebbe thinks a boy can't handle walking a girl to the door, maybe he shouldn't be dating outside the girl's living room. And I don't really have a problem with that if the guy/girl agree and that's the type of life they are planning. In fact, I'm tending to believe that in not too long a time, that is exactly what yeshivish dating will become. A boy's rebbe will pick the girl, they will meet in the rebbe's home (because the rebbe's (some) want to take over the parents role anyway - except when it comes to paying for the talmid's years of learning - ok, yet another topic), and they will have a l'chaim the same night. Sort of along the lines that some chasidim do.
So if we are going to trust the guy to be a mentche during the date, it seems rather obvious to me that you make him walk the girl to the door to say good night - like a mentche.